I Am That Girl

When I was a little girl….and well into college, I used to pray that my life would not be normal. From an early age I wanted to serve God in a grand way.

Of course, I assumed that would include marriage and a family. Duh.

Growing up, there were always a handful of “older” single women in my life. I remember them as fun and dynamic. They were involved in ministry and poured into my life in some form or fashion. That’s why I knew them. And loved them.  But as much as I admired them, I did not want to be one of them.

I always thought marriage and a family was a given in life. Until it was not.

The other day I was in Target, walking down the aisles.

Thinking.

Daydreaming.

About life. God’s plans. My plans.

And in a moment of clarity, I realized I AM THAT GIRL!!!

I am the “older” single woman.

Who is fun and dynamic. Involved in ministry. Who still dreams of marriage but has accepted that it might not be in the cards. At least at this point in life. Who is going for it. Regardless. Living life to the full. No matter the season.

And the truth is… I really like being that girl. Her life is pretty great. 

What I judged in my youth, is actually a gift.

Getting ready this morning, I had a bit of a hangover. A vulnerability one. Because when I wrote about my year without romance, I opened up my heart a bit too much. I feel like I showed my guts to the world. And they spilled out a little.

Because I’m 38 years old. A grown woman.

Friends my age are navigating life with teenagers. Mortgages. College funds and daycare. Parents who are sick. Possibly dying.

And my deepest struggled is still boys??? Are you kidding me???

But it is. I could lie and pretend it isn’t. But then I would be keeping a secret. And living from a lie. And lies destroy us. And then we eat our feelings. Or worse.

And I don’t think I am alone in this.

When I think about the people I care about,  I think there are plenty like me.

Who are living lives they never imagined. Or judged in their youth.

Maybe you are one of us. Maybe you are the mom where your life and family look like a crazy hot mess busy. And you always swore your kids would not act like that in a grocery store. Until they did. All the time. And maybe you realized life isn’t about being the perfect mom. It’s about being available. And messy. And it’s beautiful.

Or maybe you are that career gal. Sex in the City style. Or suburbs. Who is working her way up the ranks. You’re a leader. Shaping the future. Of a company. Of a planet. Of a generation. Getting to invest in people. Earning enough to give in ways you never imagined. You own your own home. You travel when you want. You do what you want. God is allowing you to use your gifts and talents and you are a person of influence. And while it wasn’t the life you dreamed of, it’s actually pretty great.

Or maybe you are that married lady. (Or single woman) Who is amazing. Whose life is blessed and beautiful. Whose relationships are fulfilling and job is awesome.

But.

You long for babies. And it creates an ache deep inside that won’t be silenced. That cries out to God. Over and Over. And over again. You have done everything you can. To make the dream come true. And then later, silence the cries. But it won’t work. The longing won’t fade. And so you live your life. Full and amazing. To the best of your ability. Trusting God is writing your story. All the while, hoping and praying. That maybe one day. You’ll get to see a flutter of a heartbeat grow to maturity. And you have learned to live with the pain, Maybe it has actually become a place of ministry. Of healing. Of hope for others. And even though you would you trade it all in tomorrow, you see God’s hand. And know that He is with you on the journey.

I think in some way, we are all “that girl.” The one living someone else’s life. Dreaming of a different one.

I just finished a book called “Looking for Lovely” by Annie Downs. It’s all about how she looks for God in everyday moments. To see and acknowledge His hand. In her life. If there are any chubby girls in the house-this book could be our manifesto. If you want to see your inner most thoughts on paper, she spills her guts in the first few chapters. To set up the story.

Brene Brown calls it Daring Greatly. A life of gratitude. Leads to wholehearted living.

Ann Voskamp wrote 1000 Gifts. Same idea. Finding joy by being thankful.Seeing the gifts amidst the pain.

If you are reading this and think you might be “that girl.” The one you loved but didn’t want to be. Or judged and prayed you never would become.

Embrace her. 

Take a moment and find the lovely.  The beauty. Be thankful for the good. Find the joy. 

It’s there.

Because our God is good. He writes beautiful stories. With plot twists. Climax. And denouement.

You might just be in the middle of a really powerful tale of God’s love and redemption. That seems to be His favorite theme.

 

Love, Love, Love,

The Girl Who Lives In My Head

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Single for the Holidays

True Confession: Last year I walked away from my Thanksgiving festivities with a very full tummy and a very heavy heart.

Don’t get me wrong. It was a lovely evening. Full of great conversation, laughter and gluten free fare. It’s just, somewhere between the front door and my car, the realization that I was a one person family hit me hard. There is a very good chance that I started my car, turned on Pandora Michael Buble Holiday mix and cried glistening tears as I made the trek home to my single bed. Which was in fact a giant California King. But that is beside the point. I have a flair for the dramatic and a tendency to turn up the burn when I want to wallow. And last Thanksgiving night, I wallowed. Sad little single girl.

Christmas left me the same hum of discontentment. After deeper reflection, prayer and a moment of clarity, I sat down (or possibly while driving) created a list of my very own Holiday Traditions that I would put into practice next year.

Well, the time has come. May I present to you:

Operation Create Thine Own Traditions 2016.

  1. October 1st: Decorate for Fall. Check. This may be more of a Maui thing but I miss the seasons and need to “create” them by decorating my house. I buy a yummy fall candle and set out tasteful white plastic pumpkins. I pull out my fall kitchen towels and a cute little stuffed owl door stopper with Welcome Fall emblazoned on his chest. It’s simple. It’s enough for me to feel like the season has changed
  2. November 20 (this Friday) I will decorate for Christmas. This is new. I travel for the holidays and last year I waited til after Thanksgiving to decorate. And then…didn’t. Why? In my sad little state, my inner Eeyore was like “Only three weeks til you leave. Why Bother?” So this Friday marks 4 weeks til I leave to go home, giving me a solid month of Christmas anticipatory joy in my own home. This is also when I will allow my self to overindulge in Christmas music. Which I LOVE!!
  3. Thanksgiving Day. After my single gal pity party last year, I decided I needed my own Turkey Day tradition. Up to this point I had only participated in other people’s traditions which fun but didn’t fulfill me. So this year, I’m going to watch memorable Thanksgiving episodes of my favorite shows while I prepare my dishes to take to the party. I’m not sure how I arrived at this except when I watch certain shows I am transported back in time to when I watched them the first time. Friends=college. Greys=fall in Colorado. West Wing=time with MJ. It’s a new tradition. We’ll see how it goes.
  4. Christmas Eve-The day hasn’t felt special to me in a long while. Maybe because I’m out of my element, at the mercy of others and therefore can’t create that rhythm I thrive on. So this year, I’m going to create a countdown to Christmas extravaganza for the only people in my extended family I can still have influence over-the nieces and nephew. A few years ago I did a New Years countdown that is still legendary in their minds. This year, I’m moving it to Christmas Eve Day with church that night being the big finale. I’m picturing minute-to-win-it meets Happy Birthday Jesus cake meets Pinterest. Outcome: TBD.
  5. Christmas Day: Last year, I saved all my Christmas cards to open on Christmas morning and it was really special. I felt like I was sharing my morning with the people I love. Far and away.  It also led to some sweet text conversations as I waited for the family to get their groove on so we could get to the good stuff. Hearing my 4 year old niece exclaim “Oh my nerves!” as she wrestled with the tape on her gifts was my highlight.
  6. New Years: Last year I volunteered at Passion, a gathering in Hotlanta for 18-26 year olds and loved every minute of it. This year, I’m going back for more. I get to part of the intercessor team who will cover the 72 hour event in constant prayer. I am a HUGE Louis (and Shelley) Giglio fan so getting to be a part of something like this is fills my love cup to overflowing. College kids falling deeper in love with Jesus and finding their purpose. Yes please.

SO . All that to say I’m really looking forward see what unfolds this holiday season. Navigating this time of year is tricky for EVERYONE who has breath in their lungs. Here is the course I’m charting. What’s yours?Whether your house is a party of one or fifteen, I’d love to know your tips, traditions and trade secrets.

How do you make the holidays meaningful in your home?

I hesitate to ask because nothing looks sadder on a blog than a question with no responses but I’m feeling brave. Brave single gal.

Love, Love, Love,

The Girl Who Lives in my Head

PS Check out my Awkward Christmas Cards for a laugh. And to learn more about me.

If My Life Had Gone as Planned.

When I moved back, it felt like everybody and their brother got married.

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And it was awesome. We had lots of fun.

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And then, they all started popping out the babies. And that was pretty sweet.

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But then apparently, babies change things.

My social life as I knew it changed.

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So I stretched my wings and met some new people.

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And that’s when I met these crazy girls.

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And they changed my life for the better.

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We went on long drives in Blanche.

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And got our craft on.

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And laughed.

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A lot.

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And became dear friends. Who walked through all kinds of seasons together.

It was wonderful.

And then…

They hung around another year.

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And our friendship went even deeper.

We talked about God. Our hopes and dreams for the future.

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We went on crazy adventures. Talked about life, love and boys.

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And then Alyssa moved away.

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And fell in love with this guy.

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So of course, we went to the wedding.

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And had a ball. Catching up, laughing and dancing the night away.

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And now she and her sweetheart just moved back to Maui!! And brought a little extra something to the party.

(Sorry Kins, I know it’s not the most flattering shot)

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Risa stayed on Maui a little longer.  And our friendship went even deeper. We had a blast. Late night laundry chats. Laying in my bed eating ice cream. Talking about everything under the sun.

(I also got to know this amazing lady)

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And then in a fairytale, Risa met a boy at Young Life camp. And they fell in love. He popped the question. The stars magically aligned and Alyssa and I got the privilege to help her pick out her dress.

(Ring the Bell, Baby)

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So of course, we went to the wedding.

here comes the bride

Here’s the handsome man who swept her off her feet.

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And now, they have a little bun in the oven.

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And I can’t wait to meet him!!!

This is just a snapshot of a few of the amazing women that God has brought into my life. And I adore them all.

Sometimes when we are in a season of life that we wish was different, we can overlook what is right in front of us. I’m so thankful that my life has not gone according to plan. I would have missed out on so many amazing relationships and adventures. I would not trade anything for the the friendships God has given me. If I were married with kiddo’s I would not have been able to invest in these women with the faithfulness, depth and drop everything mentality that being single allowed me to do. I try very hard to not take it for granted. Because it won’t always be this way.

So, the question of the day.

Is there anyone or anything in your life that you are overlooking because you want things to be different? Are there people you could be investing in or things you could be doing because of the way God has designed this season of life? What is keeping you from going for it?

Sorry I Skipped Your Baby Shower

Dear Friend,

Baby showers make my knees sweat.

It started about five years ago.

I used to adore them. I can still remember the first one I ever attended as a little girl with my mother in Tennessee. Women in beautiful dresses. Tiny sandwiches. Pink watermelon balls. Refreshing beverages.Beautiful ribbons and bows. Itty bitty bits of baby delights.

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And then I grew up and graduated college. Time passed and my friends started having babies. One. Then two. Some four.  First day of kindergarten pics turned into junior high. And more time passed. So I made new friends. Younger friends.

And now my news feed is filled with ultrasounds, baby bumps and adorable announcements like this one.

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How adorable is that?

And I love it. I’m so excited to meet these little people.

I mean, how can you not love these  faces??

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I mean seriously. Bring on the babies!!

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I LOVE being an Aunty.

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But if I’m honest. Baby showers strike a chord deep within me that makes my womb ache.

It’s different from wedding showers. Wedding showers fill me with HOPE. Every new love story I hear reminds me that anything is possible and that Mr. Right could step off the plane tomorrow. (I live on an island)

Baby showers are trickier for me. Sitting there, trying to balance my refreshing beverage and plate of tiny sandwiches, I feel like a fraud. An imposter. It feels like I have nothing to bring to the party. Literally and figuratively. Your life is about to change in ways I will never understand. And I get that. I just don’t know how to fully relate to it.

I tend to leave these festive events feeling overwhelmed by how far behind I am compared to everyone else. With no hope in sight. Time is ticking and the clock might have run out. So when everyone starts doling out advice and telling their funny little stories, I will sit there and begin to do math. If I meet someone tomorrow and we date for two years…and then wait two years…and it all spirals downhill from there.

I mean, I was the girl who started dreaming of marriage and children straight out of the womb. Life didn’t quite go as planned. And as I told my dad after he read  Pushing Through the Lonelies (he was worried about his little girl),  87% of the time, I love my life.

But baby showers touch that part of my soul that is raw and disappointed. And I don’t want to bring that to your party. You deserve to be with women who can celebrate with you, wholeheartedly. And most days I can.

Here’s the crazy part. Please don’t stop inviting me. Because I want to come. And when I RSVP  yes on your adorable invitation, I have dreams of women in beautiful dresses. Tiny sandwiches. Pink watermelon balls. Refreshing beverages.Beautiful ribbons.  Itty bitty bits of baby delights.

It’s just if by chance I “get sick” or “something” comes up, please know that I love you very much and honestly couldn’t be more excited for you. It’s just, I’m having a little trouble being happy for me. And as lame as that is…it’s the truth.

So please forgive me…

And I’ll make it up to you in free babysitting….

Once they’re a toddler. (and I can no longer accidentally break them)

 

Love, Love, Love

The Girl Who Lives in My Head

 

Pushing Through the Lonelies

I don’t know about you but I find there are times in my life where being single is harder than others. In those moments, I feel all these feelings. I can feel sad, wistful, longing, blue, melancholy, possibly hopeless and at times I may even teeter the edge of light despair. After facing them year after year, I finally decided to call them “the lonelies”. As in, man, I sure do have a case of the lonelies today.

 

I find that single life has this ebb and flow kind of like the seasons. Metaphorically speaking when it’s spring, summer and fall, I’m totally fine. But man, when winter hits, things get bleak.  And it’s weird because the lonelies can come out of nowhere. And if I’m not careful they can take me out. Sometimes it’s just a random day where they come on fast and then I bounce back to normal. Other times they can last for weeks if not months and seem to follow me around like a dark grey stormcloud. The nighttime and long weekends tend to be when I am most susceptible. But over time I have developed a few little strategies that help me keep the lonelies in check and keep those winter seasons short and sweet.

 

5 ways to push through the lonelies:

1. Take a break from love songs.

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Love songs are wonderful, magical even. I have so many favorites. I have my go-tos and somedays. But when the lonelies hit, the first thing I do is change what I’m listening to. I remove all romance. A song that in a summer season makes me rock out in the car can reduce me to pitiful tears on a lonely day. So when the lonelies knock at my door, I make sure to only listen to music that leaves the heart strings alone. The radio is tricky because I can be beeboppin along just fine and then some slow song that triggers the right memory and bam…down the rabbit hole I go. So, I make a different choice. One that protects me from the sadness and in turn hopefully gets me outside of myself. A new worship album can work wonders. I keep a playlist of fun platonic tunes that just make me smile. Pandora on Hawaiian or Pink Martini keeps it breezy. And it doesn’t last forever. Once the threat has passed and spring has sprung…love songs lose their power and are ready to be enjoyed once again.

If it is a particularly brutal winter season, I might even cut out love stories all together. Movies and books if they start to trip me up. I just make sure to delete anything from my life that invites the pain and makes the rabbit hole look appealing.

2. Make a Date

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I don’t know about you but when the lonelies hit, I have been known to isolate…some might even say wallow. I pull away, roll around on my couch for evenings ( if not days) on end and think of how happy I would be if I were just married or 10 pounds lighter or whatever it is I’m convinced would break the sadness. To be honest, I sometimes kind of enjoy the misery of the wallowing and can get trapped in a painful cycle. For me, this is when I need to put down the Netflix remote and call someone. I intentionally make a plan to see someone the next day,  usually an early dinner because I’m less likely to punk out because hey, a girl’s gotta eat.  If they are single and on a budget,  I might invite them over and we watch a show or four while one of us catches up on laundry. If they are married with kids and dinner is not an option, we might grab coffee or visit over nap time. I just make sure that there is a plan in place to connect with someone the next day. Otherwise, a lonely day can turn into a lonely month.

True confession: I may or may not have watched 154 episodes of West Wing this summer as tried to avoid dealing with a broken heart.

I think it is easy for single people to assume all our married friends are busy living fabulous lives, making out with their sweethearts 24/7, so we wallow in a bed of loneliness when in reality…our married counterparts often struggle with the same feelings of isolation. Because the lonelies don’t go away once the wedding bells have rung. I remind myself that constantly. I have to learn how to cope and process these feeling now because loneliness is a heart issue that follows you wherever you are. So when the lonelies come a knocking, I have a go-to set of peeps to schedule a date with so that I get outside of my head and start pouring into others. And I rarely bring up “the lonelies”on these outings. The point isn’t to make a date and chat them out. The point is to make a date and do something fun outside of the den of despair that I have created. Mix things up. Get some fresh air. Stop being alone.
3. Get touchy

A Christian counselor that I greatly admire (Karen Johnson) once said that humans need 7 healthy touches a day to thrive. This is definitely true for me. I grew up in a very affectionate family.Lots of hugs, pats and squeezes. It was my normal. Because touch is one of my love languages* getting my daily dose has always come easy. Sometimes to the chagrin of my less touchy roommates (Shout out to Caroline and Andrea for always letting me tuck my toes but not wiggle them while watching TV). Anyway, in a winter season, I make a habit to add a little extra healthy touch into my life. A massage or a pedicure allows for me to meet this need and fill up my love cup so that I’m not looking for connection in way that might leave me wounded.

 

4. Get out and serve

Working the snack bar at the roller rink. Good Times.

It’s really hard to wallow and be sad when you are doing something great for others. Part of living a life of maximum impact is to find something that you enjoy doing that helps others and do it well. In my hardest bouts of the lonelies, I keep myself busy doing things where I don’t have time to think about…myself. Looking back, there have been times when I had something to do 4 or 5 nights  a week. And it was awesome. I can’t keep that pace forever but if you are truly rolling in the blues…sign up to serve (more). Bible studies, youth ministry, homeless shelters, food banks are just a few ways you can improve your serve. Find something that you are passionate about and commit.
5. Pick up a pen and journal

This is by far the best way to beat the blues and usually my last resort. Isn’t that just how it goes.  We know the cure but avoid the medicine? Stubborn and hard hearted. Anyway, if I take the time to journal out my feelings and then turn them into a prayer where I cry out to the Lord…things tend to change pretty quickly. It opens the door to hear from the Lord and get some perspective. When journaling, I try to focus on identifying the lies and replacing them with truth. What lies am I believing in this moment? What is the truth? This is where the Bible really helps in sorting things out. God’s word is the truth and there are so many precious promises starting in Genesis and ending in Revelation.

This process also helps me to not eat my feelings.

Bonus….Get thankful

One night about 6 years ago I was spiraling down the rabbit hole of loneliness and was in the throes of a midnight crying jag. All of a sudden, I felt like I was supposed to make a list of all the things I was thankful for. I took out a pad of post-its and one by one filled up the side of the fridge with everything I was thankful for. Turns out the list was long and I had much to celebrate. That broke the lonelies and turned around my heartache. I left those stickies up until I moved out of that sweet little ohana. They were a constant visual reminder that even though I may not have that relationship I long for, my cup overflows with blessings galore.

Side note…Singleness is not forever. It is a season. We all start single and statistically a lot of us will end there after our spouse passes away. Learning to be content and even joyful whatever my season is a huge part of developing mature faith. One of the lies that tripped up

Eve in the garden was that this is all there is so you better grab hold of whatever pleasure you can…it sells a lot of beer and terrible decisions. When things get hard, I use these little tricks of the trade so that I won’t fall for the lies of the lonelies and end up make choices I regret. Hope this helps.

Love, Love, Love
The Girl Who Lives In My Head